For lack of better things

I'm at work right now twiddling my thumbs... My friend Abby who has been showing me the ropes around here took off of work today to get ready for her wedding coming up this month. Everything I had planned to do today is now done, and I'm not too keen on trying to track down my boss to ask for something to do. Gotta love goverment jobs...

Well, this year has flown by... About 3/4 of my friends have now graduated and I'm not sure what to think about this. I guess it won't hit me until school starts up again and they're not there.

Let's see... events of the past year...

Ashley, the girl I wrote about in an earlier blog accepted Christ in December... and didn't even tell me! We're joining a bible study together for the summer with some kids from Intervarsity.

My roomate got engaged and I will be a bridesmaid! My other roomate is getting engaged VERY soon and she already told me I'd be a bridesmaid... Next year will be one expensive summer, but it's a good thing I'll hopefully have a real job by then.

Ummm... Ashley and I are taking over ASCE as Prez and Vice Prez... hopefully mending all the damage that the last president did to the organization. Steel Bridge took third at Nationals in L.A. and we won 1st place in aesthetics. Woohoo.

Rob and I started a "band." Maybe I've mentioned this in a previous blog... but we officially have three songs and we hope to get atleast a couple more so we can have a set. Playing a show would be absolutely amazing...

And finally, boy drama... Completely unwanted boy drama and unwanted attention. Dumb dumb persistant boys... Apparently avoiding them is interpreted as playing hard-to-get these days and saying you're not interested, means that you are... and all I wanted this year was just to be left alone!

Anyway, I think I'm just going to leave and take the day off...

Not quite right

I'll probably delete this post... I don't like exposing my vulnerability or telling my sob story.

Well, this isn't exactly a sob story I guess. Just, I haven't been feeling comfortable with where I'm at lately.

Where to start.

Well I guess the thought that emcompasses everything is that I've been feeling really singled out lately. Singled out in all sorts of different ways.

Well let's start with the root form of the word: single.

It's ricidulous how many people are engaged at my age. Both my roomates are happily in relationships. Both are patiently waiting for their boyfriends to pop the question. As for me, I can't see myself getting married for another 4-5 years.

I am contently single... well, that's what I like to tell myself. Tho, it's starting to get old. But who knows, I could be single for the rest of my life if that's what God has planned for me.

It's always a pressing thought on my mind though: Will I ever find someone who I completely connect with, who has the same passion for music and, above all else, loves God so deeply that I would be encouraged by him.

I try to stay confident that such a person does exist, that I only need to be patient, but it's a constant thought and a constant fear that he doesn't.

Moving on to another type of single...

I've been feeling like the way I live my life is unacceptable. I like to think I'm fun and out-going, but apparently if you're not drunk, you're not fun, and if you're still a virgin, it's not by choice.

My friend told me the other day that I need to "lighten up" and I need to allow myself to make mistakes inorder to learn from them. This is a classmate who has the only 4.0 in my major that I know of. It bothers me that a lot of my friends and classmates think I'm uptight. It bothers me that I can't find other people who are like me unless I get involved in a college ministry again.

At the bar after going to the hockey game with ASCE, a guy from the professional chapter noticed I didn't have a beer in my hand and asked if I was under 21. I told him I didn't really drink. He then asked if I had to study really early the next day. Again, I don't drink. This 28 year old man looked at me perplexed.

Granted, I realize I was in a bar, but still, is it so hard to accept??

That's one thing I really miss about highschool. That huge seperation between the "normal people" and the rare "good girl" didn't exist.

I guess I just wish I was more confident in who I am. That I wouldn't let temptation lay a hand on me.

It's funny, cause to everyone on the outside I exude confidence and defiance from the norms of UW-Madison students, but in reality, it's becoming a real struggle to not let it get to me.

Halloween in Madison

If you don't know about Halloween in Madison, then you've been living under a rock. Just kidding, but really it's like one of the biggest holidays for college students in the entire midwest.

I've managed to avoid it yet again.

My weekend consisted of Rocky Rococco's, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Badger Football game, Mexican food, The Dollar Store, The Departed, Church, Cleaning

Well, we did buy costumes at the dollar store, but it was soooo worth it!

Miss you

I feel so detached from my friends back home. When I'm here at school I forgot all about the family of friends I left in Milwaukee.

The most important day of my life revolves around these friends. We were just a bunch of dysfunctional teenagers relying on each other, making each other better people.

What's amazing is that when I do go home, I'm treated as if I never left, as if it hasn't been 6 months since I've talked to any of them.

But I guess it seems everyone has moved away from each other in one way or another.

I can't wait for thankgiving...

How the past chews on my shoes, and these memories lick my ears

It's kind of pathetic how I can find a song to put with any situation...

I don't know why I write blogs. After a couple months I turn back to read what I wrote only to find out how stupid, boastful and nieve I really was. Or am? But I guess that means I'm making progress right?

After a series of unfortunate events, I realized that I needed to make some changes in my life. One of biggest changes involves letting go of the past.
Confession: I have this strange love for nostalgia and dwelling on things and it is having a negative impact on my life.

So last month I threw out anything having to do with past relationships... dried flowers, drawings, cards, etc. I was thinking about how what I did related to being baptized. The difference is that the there will be no resurrection of the past; my stuff will stay submerged in some landfill.

It's been a month since I did that. Not once have I wished I had kept one thing or another, which is good.

And even tho doing this doesn't erase the things that happened, I have a better hope for the future.

"Hi! How are you?"

Explain to me this one:

You're walking down the street and you see an acquaintance of yours...

"Hey!"
"Hi!"

By this time you've just passed each other. Then comes the all too familiar...

"How are you?"

Yet, we both keep on walking on to our next destinations.

Now, you can answer this question in several ways:

1. "I'm good." And leave it at that.
But if you just say "I'm good" then they might think you're a jerk
for not asking them back. Which leads to answer #2.
2. You say "I'm good," and then turn around and shout back "How are you?"
Because by this time, you're already now 10 feet away going in
opposite directions.
3. You could always stop and have a conversation, but then you'd be late for class.

"I'm good." It's like a reflex. Only after I've said it do I stop and say to myself, am I really feeling "good"? Most times I really am, but other times, I'm really not. But even if that reflex hadn't of kicked in, and I was having a bad day, I still would have said, "I'm good." What is the other person supposed to do when you say , "I feel terrible." Shout back, "Oh that sucks! Feel better!"

I just don't get it. Why not say "hello" and leave it at that?